The End of Love

Mystery Date: once a portrait of young dreamers looking for love, once filled with anticipation and over-dramatized emotions, now a business opportunity, now filled with indifference.

Two Saturdays ago I bought the New Vision seeking the latest Mystery Date column after a long hiatus and I was disappointed. Week after week the column is now the same, the couples have become a cliché: a singer or some other performer looking for publicity, already married or seriously involved, meeting a producer or promoter, or worse, someone actually looking for a relationship who is left humiliated, if charitably not on the date, then certainly on the page. What was once rather comical—how half of the couple would suddenly drop the information of their marital status into the interview—has become merely sad, tiresome, if no less unfathomable.

I can’t help thinking this turn coincides with the move from Kyoto to Choma restaurant. Choma, after all, lacks a swing under the stars. Perhaps this is why the New Vision no longer carries a photo of the couple together on the date. Now it merely has two mug shot-like images of each person at the top of the column.

Take, for example, Julius and Stella, from the March 22 issue. Julius is a videographer; Stella an artiste. Stella has a boyfriend; Julius is married. Stella’s summary amounted to this: “When I told him I was an artiste, he was happy because he is a promoter. He said we could make good money since he knows the trade well.” Julius said, “We exchanged greetings and I realized she was familiar. I had seen her on stage, singing. She said she liked me and I was happy to meet her because, as a promoter, I can benefit from her talent.”

The mystery has been removed from mystery date. Is it really so hard to find two people looking for love? Two people who want nothing more out of the endeavor than the chance to meet someone special? Shame on you, New Vision, for turning Mystery Date into such a farce.

Rachael & Phillip

Saturday’s Mystery Date seemed to me a little sad this week. Rachael, 22, who says “comedy” makes her laugh, maybe needs a little more self-esteem, and Phillip, 34, who somehow got out of the what-makes-you-laugh question, maybe a little less.

Rachael:
“Phillip is such a wonderful guy who really cares. He told me a lot about his life and business. He also told me that he is an actor and he promised to make me an actress.”

Oh, sweetie.

“Sincerely, I don’t think he liked me. At some point he told me he was seriously looking for a girl and mentioned the qualities he wanted. I don’t think I have the qualities. Maybe it was a way of telling me that he was not interested in me.”

Low self-esteem, or just very perceptive and honest with herself.

Phillip:

“I noticed she was difficult to talk to. She answered few of the many questions I asked her. Even then, she would take very long to answer and do so with ‘yes’ and ‘no’ replies. She was not even informed about current affairs and many other important issues. She does not know street names, buildings and important places in town. Therefore our conversation failed to flow and the date became boring…I want a sharp woman who can run my business. She is not that kind of girl. So, in a way she is not very relevant to me. We have nothing in common.”

Doesn’t anyone, aside from Rachael, go into Mystery Date looking for love anymore? Could the problem be the move from Kyoto to Choma? After all, Choma doesn’t have a swing under the stars like Kyoto…

Mystery Date: Masuud & Pamela

A good one this week, people! What exactly does "detoothed" mean? What is "American height" - short or tall? Look what makes Pamela laugh. Amazing.

Masuud

What makes you laugh? Jokes

The girl was beautiful but not the kind of woman I want for a wife. I am a reserved person who minds what society thinks of me, but she was too bold in dress and behaviour. She looked too easy – like she had met me before. She drunk a lot of booze almost without end! She had no sense of privacy – she told me a lot of things about herself and it seems she has a lot of problems. She has kids and I don’t know why their father refused to marry her.

But there must be something you liked about her?
I said she was beautiful. I was trying to ignore her boldness when she detoothed me, a stranger, without any embarrassment! She asked for airtime from the counter and told the waiter that I would pay! I was annoyed; I could have refused to pay but I chose not to embarrass her. But that was cheap of her. I lost interest and didn’t even ask her for her phone number. But she kept on asking if I was going to call her again for another outing.

You won’t see her again?
I am not interested. Girls who show me too much interest put me off. Whenever the photographer would show up, she would reach out for my hand like we were lovers, ignoring other people in the bar!

How would you want a girl who has fallen for you to show it?
I want a slower, reserved woman who doesn’t come all out at me. There are many ways a woman can show a man without appearing cheap. At least the very first time, don’t show that you are totally overwhelmed.


Pamela

What do people find attractive about you?
American height
What makes you laugh? Watching a fight

I was surprised because I did not expect my date to be that groomed. The first impression floored me. The guy was okay; the colour I want, the height, the way he speaks and his intelligence. He is a man who would give you pride to walk with along the street. He is courteous, humourous and I think romantic.

Oh my! Are you describing an angel?
Hold on; I am still telling you: He told me he has a son and other men would have hidden it to get what they want first. So he is truthful. He is also a gentleman. I noticed he felt uncomfortable holding hands

But there must be something that he did wrong!
Nothing. I liked everything I saw. He did everything I wanted.

Would you marry him?
If he asked? Yes.

What if he didn’t ask, what would you do to draw his attention?
I am a very bold person, so I would tell him my feelings. I have ever done it. Am I not a human being? I can never be ashamed of my feelings; they are natural.

What if you asked him and he said no?
Once I have said it, I keep on trying – especially when I know he doesn’t have another girl, till I lose hope. But he would have to be a very stubborn and stone-hearted man to resist me.

Sadiq & Josephine 4eva

Last weekend I went with J to his office to use the Internet and do some work. They had an old New Vision from mid-December lying around and J mentioned they had been saving it for me because there was a good Mystery Date inside. I brought the paper home and started reading about Sadiq and Josephine. The first three quarters of the date was fairly banal stuff. I couldn’t figure out why J and N thought it worth saving...until I got to the last paragraph.

Sadiq has already spoken to the interviewer about the date—he found Josephine (nicknamed Baby Face, by the way) to have a nice voice, he liked her ambition to be a singer, and thought she was beautiful. However, she didn’t look him in the eye when she spoke to him. Alas.

Moving on to Baby Face, the interviewer discovered that she found Sadiq to be gentlemanly and comforting, if not a little full of himself. And then the interviewer asked, “Will you go out with him again?” Here is Baby Face’s answer:

“I didn’t keep his phone number, although he gave it to me. I feared my husband might find it. I also didn’t give him my number despite the fact that he asked for it. He is a nice guy but I can’t continue with him since I am committed.”

Um, husband?? Doesn’t she fear that he might see the Mystery Date article? Why are you going on dates if you’re already married?

But it was obvious Baby Face wasn’t a keeper from the beginning (aside from the fact that her nickname is Baby Face): What makes her laugh? “Comedy.”

Well, yeah. That’s sort of the point.

Mystery Date

Action movies make him laugh? At least he didn't say comedies, right? I'm pretty sure if I read in the paper that a guy I had gone on a date with had suggested I was a liar, I wouldn't be calling him any time soon. Aren't artistes just the worst? I like artists much better.

Prince Jjuuko Thaddeus
Occupation: Artiste (Matendo Band)
Interests: Watching music videos, singing, playing badminton
Favourite Film: Beyonce (Nigerian)
Music: Reggae
What don't people like about you?
My dreads
What do people find attractive about you: Self respect
What would you love your mystery dream date to be: Not rude, respects herself and respects me, shows me love and likes my occupation
What makes you laugh? Action movies

I had no idea what would happen during the date. When I arrived at the restaurant, I found her already seated. I began by teasing her before eventually revealing myself as her date. I first asked her whether she had ever seen me before and she said she had seen me in my music videos on TV. When I asked her who she was waiting for, she said it was somebody she did not know. It was then that I told her I was the one she was waiting for.
She became excited and told me how she had planned to take off had he turned out to be an old man.

What did you find impressive about her?

She is a cheerful girl, a black beauty and portable (slender). She is also very friendly. Can you imagine she promised to visit me and to call me to visit her friend with whom she had watched my video? She said she had always looked forward to a day she would meet me every time she watched my videos.

Does that mean you are considering her for a serious relationship?

Not really. I was just asking to find out how she felt about me. She is still a student and I would like her to concentrate on her studies. Nevertheless, I can't rule out a serious relationship in future. For example, when I asked if her parents would have a problem with me marrying her, she said she was mature enough to make her own decisions.

Was there any weakness you noticed in her?

As an artiste, I can tell a liar. She told me she usually goes to Lido Beach yet she doesn't drink, but I have never seen anybody at Lido Beach who doesn't drink. Moreover, according to her talk, she seems like someone who enjoys hanging out.

Any memorable incident during the date?

The time we ordered for our dinner. Whereas I chose a chicken burger, she opted for a beef burger but according to her reaction, it seemed she had never tasted it before. I even intend to compose a song out of that.

Rehema

Occupation: Student, soon joining university
Interests: Swimming, resting in bed
Favourite Film: Akabadi (Amarula Family)
Music: Eagles Production/band music
What don't people like about you?
I'm reserved
What do people find attractive about you? I'm smart
What would your mystery dream date be? Smart, steady, loving
What makes you happy? Meeting someone I love

I arrived at the venue at around seven o'clock but didn't find anybody. After a short time he came from the opposite direction and went to the reception.

Thereafter, he came to my table and began asking me questions. He asked for my name and whether I had ever seen him anywhere before. I told him I had only watched him on screen.

What impressed you about him?

He is a smart guy and a good conversationalist.

Did you notice any weakness in him?

Not at all. He was perfect.

If he told you he loved you, what would you say?

I would ask him to give me some time because I need to study him before making a response.

Do you hope to stay in touch?

He gave me his phone number but I did not give him mine because I usually don't give men I meet for the first time my contact. But since I have his, I may give him a call one day.

Mystery Date

Audrey, Meet Raymond; Raymond, This Is Audrey...

How fun to have Mystery Date to return to. I like Audrey because she doesn't beat around the bush. Also, when asked "What makes you happy?" she answered, "Comedy by Amarula family," where most people just say, "Comedy." Her specificity makes it a real answer.

AUDREY

I arrived before him and when he appeared I thought he was a receptionist. His face was familiar and he, too, knew my grandmother with whom I stay.

We come from the same area called Kitebi on Rubaga Road. I did not like him and that made me bored and uncomfortable. What I only enjoyed were the drinks and the food. They were really nice.

What exactly didn’t you like about him?

I had asked for a light-skinned, tall and medium-sized guy, which he wasn’t. I had also wanted an educated guy with a good job and a car. I wanted a man I would be comfortable with in public. So when he asked me where I was working I refused to tell him.

Assuming he asked to take you out again, would you accept?

No. I can’t. I do not even want to see him again and that is why I gave him a wrong cellphone number when he asked for it.

What if he came to your grandmother’s house since he knows it?

I told him point blank that I didn’t want to see him again since we knew each other. Although I don’t have a boyfriend, when he asked me whether I had one, I said ‘Yes’ just to keep him off.

Now Raymond is not really a receptionist; he's a videographer. What makes him happy? "Cracking jokes." It was never meant to be for Raymond and Audrey, but you have to give him credit for his perseverance.

RAYMOND

When I arrived, I found her already seated and she welcomed me. I greeted her and she was happy to see me. Everything went on well but the problem was that she wasn’t lively at all. She seemed to be fearing me because I was the one asking questions all the time.

What was your impression of her?

She was beautiful and looked presentable except that she was quiet. It seems she is shy.

Are you going to make a serious move?

That is actually what I want. In fact I love her.

What about if she rejects you?

It is OK. I will just try and if it fails, I will try another one.

Mystery Date

The New Vision is full of gems today, including my favorite.

Ezra:

"Since this was my first time to go for a date, I did not have much expectation. I knew it would be challenging, but I still had to prove my worth. Everything looked strange. In fact, I kept wondering what topics to discuss with her. But since Betty is friendly and social, we shared sweet moments. I enjoyed myself very much. Indeed, she made my evening.

Tell me more about the sweet moments you shared
(Loud laughter) I remember the moment we looked straight into each other�s eyes. We then used our forks to feed each other. It was very romantic. Before the photographer arrived, she was very free. When she saw the camera, she became very scared and tensed. But I reassured her that all would be fine.

When are you taking her for another date?
(Hesitates) Hmmnnn�.! I would be willing to take her for a date but we did not get each other�s contacts. I did not ask for her phone number because a friend of mine once advised me that I should never ask for a lady�s phone number. It is the lady to give me her number or ask for mine; not vice versa. Asking for a lady�s phone number would make her feel proud.
However, she directed me to her workplace along Nasser Road and I shall try to trace her from there. If she is interested, we shall keep in touch and remain very good friends."

Betty:

"When I walked into Kyoto Restaurant, my heart almost skipped a beat. I was scared stiff and I did not know what to expect. It was my first time to meet a stranger on a date.
When he arrived, our initial conversation left me quite disappointed. He was not asking me any questions at all; I took the lead in the conversation. Even when I asked him simple questions, he merely scratched his head. We are agemates but he is not as sharp as I expected.
I would like a man who asks me questions and challenges me to think but he did not. (shakes her head) Maybe he is still young. How about arranging another date for me with an older man who is sharp? I did all that I could do to make him happy and to enable him feel free but he remained tensed.
He kept telling me about his childhood but little about his present life. That was not bad but I was more interested in knowing the present person.
I was amazed when he told me he is a student at Kyambogo University. I imagined a university student would do better than that.

Anything you liked about him?
(Brief silence then takes a deep breath) Have you ever been in a situation where everything is negative? There was nothing good to remember. I did not bother to get his contacts.
Actually, I did not like him. He is still young. Maybe we can be friends but I don�t see myself keeping in touch with him."

How did I know from the beginning this would not work out? What makes Ezra laugh: Jokes. What makes Betty laugh: A person with big teeth.

Mystery Date!

Whoa. There was a mystery date last weekend and I almost missed it. A good one, too. I’m basically going to excerpt the whole thing, but you can also view it here.

Raymond:

“We had a nice time except she wasn’t very free with me. She even refused to reveal her occupation and her surname. She claimed she was a student in some college but I didn’t believe her. I shall carry out my own private investigation to establish what she does for a living. Otherwise, I really had lovely time in her company.

“Brother, that girl has a figure that can sweep any man off his feet. She moves with a catwalk that left me breathless, simply beautiful! Her cute attire blended so well with her beautiful figure. I call it ‘figure eight.’ I loved her disarming smile, romantic eyes and sweet tender voice. She sat in an appetising posture that gave me a chance to drool at brown thighs. Eh eh eh…! Her smooth skin was so tempting that I wished we could spend a night together. Ha! Ha! Haaa….! I was taken up! She is lovely, friendly and sexy.

“In fact, I am planning to take her for another date.
“We need to be in some romantic hide out for at least three days. But I still want to know her surname and her occupation. I am concerned about the surname because of the risk of dating my clan mate.

“Otherwise, she is a girl I would love to be with. In fact, after this interview I am going to call her.”

Now Gloria’s favorite movie is Spiderman 3, so she either hasn’t seen very many movies or there’s something wrong with her.

GLORIA:

“It was a nice date but with several disappointments. Raymond began by talking about his work and I found that boring. When he changed, it was about the places he wanted us to hang out. But the problem was he wanted instant intimacy and such discussion rubbed me the wrong way.

“He said he was willing to drop his girlfriend to be with me. When I told him I was in an intimate relationship with a caring guy he said there was nothing wrong with cheating on my guy. Can you imagine? I can never cheat on my boyfriend because he is simply perfect. I found Raymond’s behaviour very strange.

“He was forcing me to take more beer than I wanted. He also kept persuading me to go with him to his place even after I had told him that I wasn’t interested in that. On the first date?! Horrible! Relationship is a process; you don’t get everything on day one. His hands couldn’t rest in one place. I was so embarrassed by his constant touch that I told him to stop it but he kept forgetting. (takes a deep breath) Oh!

“He gave me his contacts but I don’t think I am ready to call him. I don’t mind casual friendship but he seems to be out for instant intimacy, not mere friendship. I am not ready at all to walk down that path. It is therefore safe to avoid any future contacts with him.”

What’s confusing to me is why either of them chose to go on a date if they’re seriously involved with someone else. I get Raymond, but Gloria (with her “simply perfect” boyfriend)? Is just the free dinner? Are they really after friendship? The glory of appearing in the New Vision?

Gloria is an artist and her surname was printed in the paper, so obviously Raymond was going to find out eventually. Also, when asked the question, what makes you laugh, she answered, “Jokes.” Go figure.

I like Raymond because he answered, “If my girlfriend tells me the truth.” At least there was a little thought put into it. At least he has a personality, even if he is a dog. The stock answer for the question of what makes people laugh seems to be “Funny movies,” or better yet, “Comedies.” Or “when someone says something funny.” Maybe it’s just a bad question.

Mystery Date Returns

It’s back. But not wholly satisfying. See for yourself:

Christopher, 28, says:

“When Jackie arrived her voice and beautiful figure calmed me down. She is an open-minded girl who loves to learn from others. She is also tolerant, bold and principled. She would hold my hand and talk while looking at me straight in the eyes. She shares a name (Jackie) with my ex and that brought back some unpleasant memories. We had a good time with my ex till she became pregnant. It turned out that I wasn’t the one responsible!”

Jackie, 20, says:

“I was anxiously looking forward to someone so special and so handsome. And yes, I wasn’t disappointed. Chris is knowledgeable, dark-skinned and handsome; just the kind of guy I was expecting to meet.

“Apart from discussing our personal lives, we spent a long time on our previous relationships. It is an interesting coincidence that I share a name with his former girlfriend, (takes a deep breath). It was quite challenging because he doesn’t have good memories of this previous relationship. I shall have to overturn those memories.

“He will appreciate that there is also a sweet Jackie and that not all girls by the name of Jackie are bad. That certainly requires more quality time spent together.”

The interviewer goes on to ask both of them when the wedding will be held.

It should also be noted that Christopher chose to go out with Jackie, so it’s not like her name was a surprise to him upon meeting her.

Cultural Differences

We read one of two newspapers here, depending on what’s available. Our preference is The Daily Monitor, which seems to be a little bit more liberal (but is actually more poorly written). Our second choice is The New Vision. However, The New Vision is a must on Saturdays because they have an “Intimacy” section, which always includes the column “Mystery Date,” in which the paper sends two people out on a blind date and then interviews each person afterwards. Here is an excerpt from last week’s from the guy’s, Herbert’s, perspective (typos, grammatical errors theirs, not mine):

“Anxiety gripped me as my heart pumped in anticipation…While I waited, anxiety hit me again and raised my pulse rate…When I set my eyes on her my breath was taken away. She enveloped me in a warm bare hug. It was like a reunion of long time friends marked by instant attraction…I enjoyed every bit of it with deep passion…I admired the beauty of her glowing eyes as she looked at me. I plan to write her a love poem The beauty that lies within and I told her about it. I shall then take her out to a quiet environment and recite it sweetly to her while gazing straight in her eyes…”

They are often this dramatic, but last week’s date was sort of disappointing in comparison to others I’ve read.

The real treat in last week’s “Intimacy” section was an interview with Pastor William Muwanguzi and his wife, Pastor Athina Muwanguzi. They have been married for five years. Here are some of the choice snippets:

WILLIAM
What would you do if you caught her in adultery?
Since our marriage is based on a Christian background, I would follow scriptures not emotions. But I do not believe she can do it. Surely, what would Athina look for in another man? I think I would have detected such queer behaviour in her before.
What have you learnt in marriage?
That man and woman are interdependent. Much as a man needs a woman; no woman can live happily without a man.
Do you like it when she kneels to greet or give you something?*
Of course. I do. Every man would want his wife to be submissive. However, I never force her to do anything.

*It is a common practice for women to kneel when greeting a man, though much less so in urban areas. I have not actually seen it done.

ATHINA
Would you leave if you found out that he was going out with another woman?
That would not be wise. The right thing is to show him where he went wrong and encourage him to change. Secondly, a satisfied man rarely meanders. Is such a thing happens, you revisit love notes and make sure love is back on the right track. But I do not believe a pastor can do that.
When he annoys you, how long does it take you to make up?
I always make efforts to make up whether it is him or me in the wrong. Above all, a woman is expected to submit to her husband.
What is the secret in him?
First of all, he is my best friend. Secondly, he behaves as if he is my father. I believe that is what every woman would want in a man.

I’m not writing this post to get all angry feminist bitchy on you, though of course reading stuff like this in the paper gets me worked up. I understand that I’m coming at such gender issues from a Western perspective and there’s little I can do or say here to change thousands of years of tradition. I actually do enjoy, on some level, finding interviews like this not just because it’s a fascinating cultural study, but also because it helps me to better understand why people cheer at me when I drive down the road, why the Bin-It guy won’t take me seriously by ever actually showing up, why our landlord and the car dealership guy and the refrigerator guy and every other guy will only speak to J when I’m standing right there and seem a little surprised if I deign to ask a question. This goes both ways: When Jo. did our laundry the other day, it rained in the afternoon and she had to take the clothes off the line while they were still wet. J and I together re-hung the damp clothes the next morning. There were two guys cutting grass behind our apartment and gave J some questioning looks. I suppose it’s not often they see a man doing laundry.

J has tried to tell me that I can’t take The New Vision too seriously. That the views expressed therein are not necessarily representative of the majority. Still, I find it a little frightening that both pastors interviewed are teaching and encouraging their congregations to follow such views.

But, you know, I don’t really like to argue with my husband. I’m sure he’s right.